Harry Potter and the Pillar of Storge
by Snowflake1040
Summary: A funny fic in which a character will die in evrey chapter. Harry and the gang are out to find the Pillar of Storge and get rid of......Hagrid and his troop of deatheaters!
1. The Begining

Harry Potter and his INSANELY Wicked Life  
  
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Disclaimer- I, Snowflake1040, hereby claim that I do NOT own Harry potter charactors and related media. This also applies to the rest of my fanfic.   
  
NOTE- Characters may seem OOC (out of character). I already know this so i would greatly appreciate it if you didn't include that in your reveiws. Which brings me to another topic, I would greatly appreciate it if you guys would review!!!  
  
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Luna Lovegood stared hopelessly at the one thing in life that would make her stare, Harry Potter's tattoo. Her, Neville, Ginny, and the Trio were on the train ride to their 6th year at Hogwarts. The compartment was unusually quiet because they were all staring at Luna staring at Harry's tattoo.  
  
"Luna, ye great git, stop staring and get over the fact that Harry turned goth!!" bellowed Ron.  
  
Harry's tattoo was on the shoulder of his right arm. It was of, ironically, a storm cloud.  
  
"Ron, SHUTUP!! I am tring to get my aura right for when Eloise Midgen comes in." shreiked Harry.  
  
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh!", chorused Hermione and Ginny.  
  
"So, um, Harry, um does that mean that you, um, like her?", said Neville with great difficulty.  
  
" Neville, you're nobody so I'm not even gonna answer that." Harry hissed quietly.  
  
It seems that ever since Harry found out the truth about, well, EVERYTHING, he seemed to hate Neville with great gusto. Harry even took to sending him fire-breathing Howlers laced with anthrax every once in a while.  
  
Nevile shed a silent tear at Harry's words. He had liked Eloise ever since third year when the famous Alice Creamhart dicovered the cure for acne. There was no way she would choose him over the famous Harry Potter.  
  
"So, Hermione, any plans for dinner tonight?" asked Ron hopefully.  
  
"Actually Ron, yes. Draco invited me over to eat at his table. "  
  
"What! I thought you hated that slimy peice of diarreah!"  
  
"Ron, shutup! He asked me out over the summer. We are, er, a couple now."   
  
Ron fainted.   
  
Just then, Eloise walked in.  
  
"Hey everyone!" said Eloise in the most PREPPIEST voice.  
  
Neville looked up. He always found great comfort looking at her preppy image. Her brown hair, amythest eyes, and 200 pounds of pure whale blubber would give comfort to almost anyone, Neville thought.  
  
" Hey beautiful." said Harry in what he hoped was a smooth voice.  
  
" Oh, hi Harry!" , said Ginny, blushing furiously.  
  
" He was talking to me you arrogant B!" screamed Eloise.  
  
All of a sudden, Ron magically awoke from his faint and beat the crap out of Eloise for dissing his sister.  
  
Harry didn't bother on sticking up for her because he had to reserve his energy for Voldemort. Besides, he reasoned, she wasn't as attractive with her blubber flying everywhere. Meanwhile Neville just turned around and stared at the wall like he didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. Hermione busied herself on concentrating on Draco's face. Ginny was busy crying about being called a b, and Luna was still staring at Harry's storm cloud tattoo. After Ron stopped to take a breather, Hermione came out of her trance about Draco Malfoy and bent down to check Eloise's pulse.  
  
" RON SHE HAS NO PULSE!!! YOU KILLED HER YOU MURDERER!" screamed Hermione.  
  
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So, what do you all think?? I am Texan so please excuse the accent!! Any who, if you want to find out what happens next, you gotta reveiw!! REVEIW NOW!!! PRESS THE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM!! FLAMERS WELCOME! ANYTHING!! 


	2. The Death of Sophie

Harry Potter and the Pillar of Storge  
  
Chapter two  
  
A/N: Even though I was gonna wait till i got 5000000 reveiws, i decided to update anyway. ENJOY!!  
  
"WHAT!!!" bellowed Ron.  
  
"Well" began Hermione in a deadly sweet voice "we have a dead girl right in the middle of our compartment. AND YOU KILLED HER!!!", she finished with a bellow.  
  
"Oh, you're talking about Eloise. Yeah, well I had my reasons." said Ron very matter-o-factly.  
  
"LIKE WHAT?? TELL ME, RON, WHAT IN THE NAME OF TEXTBOOKS PROMPTED YOU TO KILL ELOISE?? HMMMM...??" fumed Miss Frizzball herself, Hermione Granger.  
  
"Hermione, come on! She insults my sister AND she's obeese!! What more do you want?" Ron says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"Oh, yeah, you're right! She was a bit on the fat side, huh? I mean 200 pounds is just one pound too many." says Hermione sarcastically.  
  
"Exactly! You know--"  
  
Ron got cut off. At that moment Sophie Lockewood (Eloise Midgen's best friend) came walking through the door. She was a 5"4 blue-eyed brunnette weighing at only 98 pounds. Sophie took one look at the dead Eloise and let out an earshattering scream.  
  
"Silencio!" said Ginny, pointing at Screaming Sophie.   
  
She Immediatly became a mute. It looked really weird because her mouth was open but no sound was coming out.  
  
"Good thinking Ginny! I just hope no one heard that!" wheezed Neville.  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
"No problem!"   
  
Neville lost himself in Ginny's uninteresting, regular brown eyes. I think I love her, Neville thought to himself.  
  
Meanwhile, Luna was still staring at Harry's tattoo.   
  
Sophie just stood there looking dumb. Her mouth was open but no sound was coming out. You could still make out what she was saying, though, and it wasn't pretty.  
  
"You know what guys? That Sophie girl is REALLY getting on my last nerve. AVADA KE--" Harry began.  
  
"No!!" shouted Ron, cutting him off.  
  
"What did you say? " replied Harry menancingly.  
  
"Well, you know, she is not fat."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Well, why waste a perfectly good spell on a skinny person?"  
  
"Good point Ron. CRUCIO!!" bellows Harry, pointing his wand directly at Sophie.  
  
Sophie crumbles on to the floor and lets out a silent wail of agony. She looks kinda funny because her eye starts twitching. This goes on for about five minutes while Hermione and Ginny laugh their heads off. Neville starts to take a very keen interest in the wall again and Luna Lovegood is still staring at Harry Potter's storm shaped tattoo.  
  
All of a sudden, Hermione stops laughing. Actually, it was so unexpected that everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her, even that wacko, Luna Lovegood.  
  
" What?" yelled everyone.  
  
" Well, I don't think this is right."  
  
"Why? You've got to agree, this is pretty funny! Heck, I could probably sell this material to Dave Chappelle!" said Harry  
  
"You want to know why? Gee, let me think Harry" Hermione was starting to get sarcastic, "You just performed an Unforgiviable curse you moronic idiot! And on someone who wasn't worth it"  
  
" But-"  
  
"BUT NOTHING!!"  
  
Hermione was a raging crackpot by now.   
  
"There's only one thing we can do to save our hides." whispered Ginny.  
  
"What?" inquired Longbottom. He had really taken a liking to the youngest Weasley. Unfortunately Ron had noticed this and flexed his muscles   
  
threatningly at him. This was somewhat odd considering that Ron doesn't have any muscles to begin with.  
  
"Isn't it obvious," began that sorry excuse for a walking textbook, "we'll have to kill her or else she'll squeal!"  
  
At hearing that Sophie went nutters. She pulled out a wad of cash and started jumping up and down with it to signify that she'd pay them not to kill her. Only Ron took notice of this but as he reached for the money--  
  
"Fine, fine. I've done this sort of thing before, let me do it." drawled Harry.  
  
"YOU HAVE??" everyone else hollored.  
  
"Yeah, remember JonBenet Ramsey?"  
  
And with that Harry stepped up to poor Sophie and pressed his thumb three degrees to the left of her Adam's apple. Within seconds she was dead.  
  
A/N: I should probably say right now that this was a fic that I had already written but abondoned. Blaise666 was my beta and she added a few tidbits to the story as well. Anyway, I just felt like going back and making it a bit better and republishing it.  
  
Oh ya, please review!! 


	3. The Cunning Zebini

So, you think you've read them all, huh?  
  
Chapter three- The cunning Blaise Zebini  
  
A/N- Thanks TONNES to my second reveiwer, Bella Mia , You flatter me blushes.   
  
And thanks to VeitNaMaEnglish, my friend added that part! It's hilarious, i know! : )  
  
Public service anouncement- I now except anonymous reveiws  
  
OK HERE IS CHAPTER THREE, The cunning Blaise Zebini.  
  
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Meanwhile while all of this mumbo jumbo was happening, a certain sixteen year old witch by   
  
the name of Blaise Zebini apparated onto Hogwarts grounds, right in front of the gamekeeper   
  
Robust Hagrid. She was on a mission from Voldemort and this "Was just a rather large obstacle"   
  
she thought as she scanned the half-breed.  
  
"Oi! you just apparated onto Hogwarts grounds!" rambled HAGrid  
  
"Well of course I did you overgrown dwarf!" Blaise rudley informed Has been, I mean Hagrid.  
  
"But you can't do that, no one--"   
  
"Shutup! You listen to Granger too much! And for the record, I wish Umbridge had stayed long enough to fire your sorry arse back to Wisconsin where you came from!!"  
  
Hagrid just stood there, taking it all in and blushing furiously when all of a sudden Blaise says,  
  
"Dumbledore is a crackpot old fool for letting you keep your job, Rubeous."   
  
The giant snapped out of it. He was furious.  
  
"NOBODY CALLS DUMBLEDORE A CRACKPOT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" roared Hagrid.  
  
He stuck his hand into his brown hoeboe coat and pulled out an outlandishly stupid pink   
  
umbrella.  
  
"We duel now, Zebini!"  
  
"My pleasure, half-breed!"  
  
They both bowed, Hagrid looking idiotic and Blaise looking graceful. As they got up, Hagrid fired   
  
the first spell.  
  
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"   
  
A silver donkey came out of the frilly umbrella, headed straight twords Blaise. This is pretty   
  
hilarious because that means that Rubeus is an ass.  
  
"You idiot! I'm no dementor!" she shouted as the donkey sniffed her leg and let out a disticntive   
  
hee haw before it evaporated.  
  
"I'll show you how to cast a real spell, fool! AVADA KEDAVRA!" the angry Slytherin yelled,   
  
pointing directly at Hagrid.  
  
A flash of green light burst out of her wand and Hagrid crumpled onto the floor, which is funny   
  
because giants can't crumple.  
  
"Oh, well. One less person to worry about, right?" she said to herself.  
  
Blaise then did one more peice of magic. She transfigured Hagrid to an exceptionally large peice   
  
of red meat and then did something that only a Slytherin would have done, fed it to Fang.  
  
She then proceded to walk up to the Hogwarts castle. Blaise didn't bother to use any methods of   
  
concealment because she knew for a fact that only Dumbledore was in there. The other Death Eaters had   
  
taken care of the rest...  
  
As she neared the entrance she stopped. Blaise had a weird feeling as if someone was tailing   
  
her. She stealthly took her wand out if her robes and whipped around quite suddenly. There in   
  
front of her was the last thing she expected to see, a house elf.  
  
"Oh, it's you." Blaise said nastily  
  
"Yes misses" sqeaked the house elf.  
  
"And?"  
  
"I came to warn you, miss, not to go to Hogwarts" [A/N- where have we heard that before?]  
  
Blaise thought a minute at this statement.  
  
"Who sent you here? Don't you work for the school now?"   
  
Then a thought floated through her brain before the elf could do anything.  
  
"I know you! You're that weirdo elf that keeps track of students and tells them not to go to school   
  
right? They call you Dobby, correct?"  
  
Dobby shuddered and then picked up a humungous rock as if to hit himself with it.  
  
"What, are you on a suicide mission or something? Look, I didn't mean to upset you or   
  
something. Wait, yes I did... " said Blaise. She was quite amused.   
  
"Sorry, miss. Old habits are hard to break." Dobby squeaked mysteriously as he put the rock down.  
  
"No, please don't let me interupt, I insist."  
  
Since this was not a direct order, Dobby (sadly) did not have to obey.   
  
(A/N- Since Blaise is a student at Hogwarts and that is Dobby's home, she is one of his masters. make any sense?)  
  
"No, miss, don't think I will."  
  
"What ever." Blaise was starting to get angry. She pointed her wand at Dobby's heart.  
  
"Uhhhhh" Dobby was starting to get nervous.  
  
"I didn't hear a 'miss' " she said in a falsely sweet voice.  
  
"Uhhhhhh, miss,"   
  
"Yes?" in that same voice.  
  
"Just take heed to my warning and i will be off, miss." Dobby said as he turned around.  
  
"Oh, I don't think so." she said menacingly.   
  
Blaise seized the elf with one hand and put her wand back with the other. She then took off her   
  
pricey Dragon-hide gloves and gave them to Dobby. He was now free from the one job that he   
  
loved. Since this was the second time in two years, he took this pretty hard.  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" Dobby squeakily wailed. Overcome with grief, he broke into a full sprint   
  
toward the sparkling blue lake and jumped in. Unable to swim, he drowned to death in ten minutes time.  
  
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Hey all! This was a long chapter to write for me. I even get writers cramp while typing Whew! Sorry, this chap. is a bit....."dark" The next one will probably be a lot more funnier. Right now it's 1:00 AM. All I can say is, reveiw!! Flamers Welcome! Remember, I accept anonymous reveiws too. Oh, and don't worry about hagrid, he's not dead. You'll find out about that later!! Oh, and there will be a major death somewhere in the future..... I'm just getting started.   
  
Oh, and IMySelfDontKnow, does it really? Thanks for telling me, I'll try to fix it!  
  
And I was wondering if anyone would want to be my beta reader? 


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